Protectors of the Silver Marches

Woes In Silent City

With the morning came the preparation to depart, and checking in on Serenity, led me to the realization that her upset the night before became anger. Dealing with my aunt Matsu, taught me that when a woman is irate, the best thing you can do is allow them to do their worst. A small query of “would you feel better if you hit me?” led to an assault of small objects, then broken pieces of bed. Not quite what I was expecting, but I stood there with all diligence, letting Serenity blow off her pent up steam. Just as it seemed she was slowing in her assault, and I was about to venture further into the room, Elia slipped in under my arm and went about her business with the young mage. I’ll let you know, but I was rather put off by this, but I’m not about to tell Elia that. Instead I left the two of them together once I knew there was no more danger and went off to try and find Yumekichi who had run off when the pieces of bed started to fly.

All too soon, we were ready to go, and we stepped through the portal. My already low heart, sank a bit further as I took in the landscape before me. Snow, and lots of it, in a light shade of gray, as it fell it made me think more of ash than anything innocent like snow. Large drifts of the stuff laid out before us, some open areas of floor showed through where it was thinner, but the background was all in shades of black, gray and white. A quick survey behind us met with a forbidding broken structure that has an uncanny resemblance to the building we had just left. It wasn’t until I looked at my teammates that I realized the most horrifying part of this new realm. We ourselves are in monochrome! How dare such a place exist! I looked down in growing despair to find my own, usually bright and cheery, clothing in mixed shades of grays and blacks. The only thing that looked normal were the striped armbands, guards on my legs, and of course my jaunty feathers. That didn’t make me feel any better though, and Yumekichi didn’t seem to appreciate the change either. He ducked down into my outer layer and seemed to decide to just stay there.

We went into the building before us and quickly met a creature that I would really rather try my best to forget. The room was something of a disgusting matter as well. Let’s just say, a four armed cat like giant that likes to disembowel and skin people stayed in a big room with hooks in the walls. Making quick work of him, was foremost in my mind as I did my best to NOT look around. Went up the stairs and encountered wraiths. Fun…and more fun…thankfully we ended up not having to fight them and after Carnifex played with a big creepy throne we left the building. I was both relieved and worried as we left the dark place and set out into the dead forest. Our next encounter was somewhere in between the four armed shadow cat creeper and the wraiths. The man before us might as well be a mountain, a literal giant of a being. He kept shaking a barrel and looking in our general direction. Demi seemed to perk up a bit and flew off a trailing “I know what to do!” going behind the small blur. In no time she darted back into existence and dropped into the barrel a human skull for each of us. Five skulls later, the being stood up, waved a giant lantern around and started to walk off, of course we followed after him, staying close enough to stay in the light. The light seemed to keep the other shadow denizens at bay, which I am more than glad to note.

We come to a set of buildings and of course we send Demi out to investigate it first. She swoops back after a moment or two and says she “sleep arrowed” the guy she came across. Some day we are going to have to explain to her, that her sleep arrows don’t put the guys to sleep…but kills them. We go in, and explore ourselves, Demi goes off once more on her own while we finish up in the first building. It doesn’t take her too long to come back in our general direction screaming for help. Moving out to see what is going on, it isn’t until I get across the bridge and look to the side before I see one of the ugliest dog like creatures to ever exist. Just as I was taking in its…lovely…attributes, it decided to try and tongue me…from 25 feet away. That has to be my new definition of bad touch for sure! I grab the slimy appendage just as it was about to slap onto my face. Why do they always go for my face? The creature seemed surprised but it didn’t stop it from lolling its tongue around in my grip. With a grimace I jerked the creature towards me and with a single stroke of my sword I cut it in two. It made me feel only SLIGHTLY better to have done so.

Looking around we found an obviously homemade map of the area, with lots of added notes and rules jotted down on it. Opening the back door we found a bridge that went down into complete darkness, after a brief discussion, what do we do? We continue forth of course. Oh, look at what we found on the other side! A flesh golem. Of course there would be a flesh golem in the shadow realm. It was more than just a disgusting atrocity…I’m not even quite sure how to describe the abomination. A good way of describing it now would be “a pile of goo”. Carnifex went in, he say, he slaughtered. It’s always a bit of a surprise to see someone be so proficient at killing other things. Definitely doesn’t give me a chance to relax, if I don’t want to seem like I’m incapable.

What kind of name is “Deep Bellows”? It wasn’t a typo on the map either as we soon found ourselves looking at a giant bellow which seemed to be sucking in the very darkness of the shadow realm. Whatever kind of purpose this thing had, it is definitely not something that we want to have continue. It didn’t take us long to take down the people that were standing guard and after a big debate about how to take care of the bellow, Carnifex came up with a solution after he…gathered large crystals of some sort. I must say, the crystals were fascinating, never mind the fact that they were shining PURPLE. Purple! A color other than shades of black and gray! I was in awe, but that awe didn’t last very long as Elia and the others decided going in disguise would be for the best. The reasoning made sense, you know, cutting down on how many enemies we were going to have to take down…but the end result was definitely NOT something I wanted. After some coercion, and I will admit, a break in my dignity, I allowed my feathers, hairsticks and hair style to be changed. I was too…I think they used the word “fabulous” to pass as a Shar disciple. I think this place is starting to mess with me, or at least how I am reacting to things. Hair now slung over one shoulder in a low ponytail, I allowed Serenity to keep a hold of my feathers and hairsticks for the time being. After a coin flip to see if we would head towards the “boss” or further down, we went further down the side of a cliff towards the deeper part of the shadow realm.

I am going to be brief about this encounter, since I said many a rude thing and did many a rude thing. I’ve never had much of a liking of dragons, especially the more sinister ones. Elia said there might be an encounter with a dragon, she didn’t say that it was DESPAIR. Despair, by the way is the leader of this little ritual or whatever is going on. The big, bad boss of the area is the dragon…a flying black jerk of a dragon, who by the way, spews acid from his maw. The first fly by caught us all by surprise and I must say I’m glad I wasn’t wearing my feathers at that point. The second fly by, came not long after and a few of us were more worse for wear. I’m ashamed to say, I panicked and didn’t keep to my job very well. I will not let this failing to happen again though. I can’t let this dark place get the better of me, there are no “ifs, ands or buts” about it.

We got to the bottom of the area, and what joy, we found a Gorgon. Carnifex all but swoops in, beats it upside the head, and before I can fully take a breath, the beast is down and out for the count. Coming across what looks like a statue of a Mystra Cleric, there was a debate about if it might have actually been a person or not. Demi, the pixie, thought there might be a tool to use, just in case since there is a gorgon there and all. I fear for our group when the pixie is the one making most of the sensible comments. This is further proven when we de-stone the cleric and we have try to talk him into trusting us to at least get him out of the shadow realm. Who better to smoothly talk the cleric than our resident pixie? I don’t know to be amused by this or concerned. I never really thought of Demi in that fashion before, and for once I think I might have underestimated a team member. If I did, I know I will feel bad for how I have weighed her words in the past. Though, it’s hard to give much weight to words that sound like they are coming from a wind chime, without first knowing the person that is saying them.

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The Not So Friendly Refuge From Sorrows

So, Sorrow’s Refuge, totally sounds like it has the possibility to be nice. Don’t let it fool you! There is no love here, and you definitely don’t want to come here for a vacation! It was no surprise that the place was locked up, and after Demi went and did a little recon, we started our plan. Now, I say we started the plan, but really all the plan was us getting into the place and how we were going to do it. Not much of a plan and one of these days us doing that is going to land us in hot water. Carnifex decided rather quickly what he was going to do, and I watched in amazement as the big guy quickly moved across the ground and all but hopped up on top of the low roof. Well then, guess I might as well follow in example!

Once I was on top I only gave it a moments thought before dashing across the roof and as I neared the edge, why not put on a show, tossing my large blade up in the air, while it twirled in the dark sky I did a back flip down, landed nimbly on my feet, spun and caught my sword as it descended behind me. There might have been a somewhat dorky grin on my face BUT I made a impressive entrance if I do say so myself! Though, the enemies didn’t quite react the way I thought they would, instead of what I did expect, I had to quickly parry a spiked chain that came towards me and tilt my head a bit while doing so to dodge an arrow that had been going for my face. A flash back of Bels’ ricocheting arrow arose just before I was reminded, that hey, there are a couple zombies behind me. Turning to deal with them swiftly, I caught motion at the corner of my eye and turned just in time to see Vino poof in, kill one of the guys and get beat in the face with a bow by a man who was trying his best to sound like a woman. I find that an interesting way to use a bow. The one zombie had proven easy enough to deal with, but the second one was being a little harder. Grabbing a hold of it’s head I did my best to keep that gaping maw away from me just as Seraphim called out to see if anything was needed. A simple “This one is mine, but some healing would be nice.” was my answer as I let go of the zombie a second before skewering it with my sword. It found its eternal rest after that. Was just about to walk away when Serenity called my name, now I must say I’m getting kind of used to this as she hops down from the roof saying “catch me”, and then doing such a second later and then gently depositing her on her feet on solid ground.

After gathering any equipment that we could from the bodies of our enemies we contemplated the building before us. We weren’t exactly quiet about the first idea which was waltzing through the front door, but that would just be bad taste and they would expect that. What we did instead was FANTABULOUS! We walked to the side of the building, Carnifex found the weak spot in the wall and the two of us simultaneously struck with our swords and obliterated that small section of stone wall. It was exhilarating to do so and I might have showed that exuberance just a bit. Carnifex went up to the main leader and told her to surrender after dropping one of her guards. When she didn’t seem to like that idea, he hit her in the head with the pommel of his sword and she crumpled to the ground. “What did you do?” Serenity sounded shocked, but not as much as I was by his response, “I made her surrender”, I couldn’t help but laugh at that. It just proved that the big guy has a sense of humor. With grin still in place I swept my sword across the two enemies that I went towards, cut one of the armored men completely in two and the armored cleric was not in much better condition as he fell to the floor, armor barely keeping his organs where they belong. There were a couple of mages in the room besides our own young one, and I wished to even the playing field just a bit so I took a heavy swing at the one closest to me, the same Mountain Hammer strike that I had used against the wall by the way. It was ‘Super Effective’ :3

We started to work on clearing the room, and as I made my way down to where the blonde Damians were trying to escape (by the way, they were all named Damian…not sure why though), one did manage to open a door, since we can’t have that happening, I knocked him out and that led me to having to step through into the darkened hall way. It wasn’t until I was there that I heard the ever spooky shambling and slight moans. Great, I just HAD to find the one room full of zombies. I drop a daylight pellet onto myself and light the room up, and immediately wish that I hadn’t. Quickly immobilizing the closest one I quickly found myself surrounded by five zombies. Well, someone must have changed my cologne from the usual scent to one of bacon or something. This was not exactly looking my way at the moment. Serenity showed up briefly, but shouted “Spell stealing fuckwads!” Shot some blue fire and dashed away after getting hit, which I can’t blame her. I struck out at the zombies to draw their full attention so she could run away and hopefully get some health back. One of them becomes flaming, thanks to an assist from Carnifex who just as quickly seemed to walk away and I was also assisted by Demi if that toothpick sticking out from one zombies eyeball was any indication.

It was a frightful few seconds later before I dropped the last zombie and managed to stumble back out of the rotten smelling hall. I’m dubbing that room, “the hall of death”. I tie the unconscious guys together to a pillar and then collapse down to catch my breath next to the weak Serenity. After we catch our collective breath we finish this area out, sadly not finding the remaining villagers (the zombies turned out to be them turned undead), Carnifex did most of the work since there was a big nasty shadow croc thing at the top of the stairs, by the time I went up them, the thing was all but collapsed and drooling in a corner. I quickly put it out of its misery with the least amount of extra damage possible. It broke off into shadowy bits and dissipated…such an odd way of dying. Turns out there were druids being kept here, and we went about freeing them. Learning that we would need to go through the creepy portal in the main hall area (joy), we got ready for a night in the place.

Serenity had pulled Elia aside into a room and shut the door, me being who I am, of course I had to try and listen in. I couldn’t let some kind of argument happen between the two, though just as I was about to listen more carefully since all I could hear was murmurs, I got a door to the face as Elia stormed out, leaving a crying Serenity. How could she make the sweet girl cry?! I wouldn’t have any of this sort of thing and quickly went in to try and calm the crying girl. Since I wasn’t too sure what set her off I was not sure how to comfort her, other than trying to be soothing. The first sign that things weren’t going very smoothly was that I got burnt by a flicker of blue flame, and also her panicked look as she realized it. Darting out of the room and slamming the door just in time for the sound of a small explosion and flames licking out from under the door. Carnifex bravely went in and scooped up the girl, which was quickly placed into the care of Seraphim. Though I was shooed away after following into the room where the two of them were to be staying. I had just wanted to make sure that everything was alright before calling it a night. I’m afraid that I’ve become rather attached to the young mage, and don’t wish to see her hurt. Have it be physically hurt, or even worse, emotionally hurt. She is too young to have to deal with any more tragedy so I will have to step up a bit as far as being a protector from now on. Even if that means I might end up having to stand up against other party members.

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Fear and Self Loathing in St. Louis

I’m sure that you expect to hear all about our super special and exciting adventures right where I left of last time. Well here’s the jist of it: We killed some dudes, then killed some more dudes. That doesn’t make for a very good story, so here’s what I did after I got bored halfway through our assault on the temple:

I received the notice of the tournament after our stop at the orphanage. “BE THE BEST WARRIOR IN THE LAND! WIN THE UNDERGROUND FIGHTING TOURNAMENT AND YOUR GREATEST WISH WILL COME TRUE!” Well there’s no way I can pass that up. So after we cleared out the courtyard, I took my leave. Fuck those guys. If Elia and the cleric die, I can claim it was all part of the plan. If the wizard dies, then I’m boned, but I’m willing to take that risk.

The tournament wasn’t that far away, only about four hours walk as the Honda flies. For those who don’t know, a Honda is a pitch black winged bird with opaque black eyes that cries out heavy metal songs at midnight while delivering food. It runs on the black oil found in some mines and is incredibly good at making sharp turns and killing squirrels.

I arrived and met up with some friends of mine who had split a hotel room. I picked the lock and set up a pillow and blanket on the floor. I really hope I don’t get charged as much as the guys in the beds.

The morning arrives and after I take some energizers a shaman made for me I’m ready to go. Our group travels to a nearby diner to get shitty food served by sassy fat drow maidens. I’m going to be spraying blood out my ass for days after this. Totally worth it.

We arrive at the event sight and get registered. There were around six hundred people expected to turn up for this event, but there’s barely one hundred. Man, Barret Moy must be pissed. I mean, the person organizing this event that totally isn’t based off the guy running the event must be pissed. My bad.

The first round begins and I’m faced off against Sir Weedlord Bonerhitler, a formidable looking knight. I offer greetings, but he spits on the ground in front of me. This is some shit of which I will not fucking put up with, so I take out a dagger and prepare to mutilate this motherfucker.

He swings his sword and I dodge and shove my dagger in between the plates in his arm armor. Oops, did I forget to mention I poisoned that dagger? My bad. :3

So as I rip off his helmet he’s all like “Noooo don’t kill me” and I’m like “Well should have been more polite motherfucker” and he’s all like “I’ll totally pay you ’cause the Bonerhitler family is loaded” and I’m like “I totally don’t take gold from burned people” and start carving tiny Stars of David in his corneas before I cut open his throat and shit in it. The crowd, after overcoming their shock of seeing a guy shit down another guy’s throat (usually that’s reserved for chicks) go fucking nuts.

Aw yeah. Hail to the king baby.

Round two is this fancy southern looking guy and he start pulling out chickens out of a sack and throwing them at me. I can’t attack the chickens or else they’ll swarm me, so I pull out the bow and shoot him in the dick.

Round three is some tough looking drow who calls hisself “Pookie.” Pookie pulls out a piece, but we both west side so we legit. He drops after I tell him that Tyrone owes me a favor and that I’ll transfer it to him. Pookie legit. Fo shizzle.

Round four is some whiny gnome in power armor. He’s cryin about he doesn’t want to fight and how daddy never loved him so I paint the armor purple and green. It looks pretty sweet, so he drops out to hang with this albino chick and some redheaded bitch.

Round five. I’ve standing across from this rocker dude. He’s got a bass guitar stained with blood. He growls at me at starts moshing his way through the audience. Metal. He starts laying down this absolutely sick beat which makes me wretch. I quickly throw a dagger to cut the strings before letting out a brutal war cry. MEGADETH UNLOCKED.

Round six, the last round, is… Bel? “What the fuck are you doing here Bel? This is for morally ambiguous characters.” “I totally killed a cop in that one town.” “That’s preeeetty cool mang, but I gotta win this wish.” “Fair. Hey, isn’t that the narrator?” “Huh?”

JESUS FUCKSHIT. I HAVE A FUCKING ASS ARROW IN MY BUNS. BEL SHOT ME. HE SHOT ME HE SHOT ME HE SHIT NE KILIL KILKILLIKOOSDF

WAUGHHH I ATTACK and he’s like “Nope.” and shoots me in the head.

THankfully the arrow was nonlethal. Turns out Bel’s wish was for his luck not to be bad, but they couldn’t do it so he just wished for some booze and we partied the rest of the night and beat up the felch wizards in the room next to ours because it seemed cool.

THE END.

P.S. I TOTALLY DIDN’T GET MY ASS KICKED AT ALL AND WAS COMPLETELY AWESOME THE WHOLE TIME AND ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE IS A LIAR.

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The Tides of Studies, Badgers and the Night Trees

We departed from the beautiful city of SilveryMoon in our new metal wagon that was now pulled by a mechanical horse that looked a lot like some Gnomish creations I have come across before. Though before we left, it seems that there is a man who looks a lot like our new ranger Vino running about that killed a person in SilveryMoon. Vino denied it was him, and I had no reason to doubt the man at the time so I didn’t question him further. Though his reasoning got a little odd and at one point when the word “fightering” came out of his mouth I had to stop from chuckling and shared a long look with Serenity. Vino has an interesting way with words that is for sure.

We ended up going through a blizzard the first night, but thanks to Carnifex and Vino the group made it through without any major incident. The next morning I awoke at my normal time, found everyone still asleep and decided I should do something. That something became clear as soon as I got out of the wagon. The snow was so high that it touched the belly of the mechanical horse! I certainly wouldn’t let an animal, have it be blooded or not quite so, suffer and so with the excuse of morning exercise I dug the wagon and horse out of the snow with my great power of love!…and a shovel. With the task finished I decided the others had slept long enough and stepped back in, opening the windows to allow the sun and the brisk breeze to sweep into the wagon. What did I get for doing this loving move of helping people wake up in a good fashion? A pillow to the face, I believe it came from Serenity, not sure though. I helped Seraphim into her armor and the group slowly made their way out of the wagon. Yumekichi and I stayed behind to try and wake Serenity, though we failed early on and Yumekichi was then used much akin to a teddy bear. My good friend, fear not, you will be free when she awakes! Once she awoke and got around(I was of course waiting outside the wagon for that), we made our way towards the orphanage we had stopped in front of. I carried Serenity the rest of the way after she got pelted by a snowball. Just as I was making my way up the stairs, I tripped over something and nearly fell but caught my balance just in time to not jostle Serenity overly much. I’m sure she was thankful for that. Though, when I looked back, I didn’t see anything out of place, very curious.

Once we past Raccoon Hill(I’m told it’s actually Wayland Hill), we made it to the river and found out that our wagon can actually change into a boat! I cannot wait to see what other modifications Carnifex has already made on it, and what he might do in the future. I’m sure it will be fantabulous! Making it to the edge of the Night Trees, we got the wagon up out of the water and at the edge of the trees. It was night time so we thought it best to not enter until daytime(though, by the name one would figure it’s always dark there). We were awoken by the sounds of screaming, and I quickly put my gear on. Carnifex had already gone to investigate so myself and Vino went to go after him once we heard from Serenity that it probably weren’t real people. It was too much later we learned it was worse than we thought. Demi had gone to see what it was and what she described sounded like GIANT BADGERS! This was NOT pleasant news in any way shape or form. Getting back into the wagon, I leaned against the side of the wagon and simply waited for the other shoe to drop. My gut was telling me that whatever they were, they would come towards us once we didn’t go to them. The sounds got closer after a couple of hours and I at once hopped out of the wagon. It was complete darkness so I walked to the end of the wagon, held my sword at the ready and simply waited for the giant badger to attack. As one came charging at me, I swept my sword into it nearly cutting the creature clean in two before teeth sank down into my arm. Two quick slashes ended its life and it dropped at my feet, this injury wasn’t as bad on inspection, so I didn’t bring it to anyones attention when I walked around to where there was one on fire.

The next day we continued on our way, and Serenity got down to her studies. It seems though that she needed some help so I volunteered for the job. I have learned a number of things through my wanderings and might as well put them to use! Once she said she was finished I collected her books from her, and went about quizzing her. I must say, I was a bit lost myself with the religion, though she knew about the arcana. It became more of a tutor session once we got into the realm of history and geography, my two best areas of study! It was nice to have a use other than being a sword, and I hope that the help I provided to Serenity does her well for her classes. It was in the middle of the quizzing part that we heard some thunks above us, and Carnifex for some reason thought that the archers(it turns out they were arrows) were meant for us. Hmm, well I’m not sure what made him think that, but I wasn’t going to question the man. We didn’t take it too seriously until there were more, and these sounded different than the arrows before. Boosting Serenity out the back, I held onto her the best I could to give her a visual, and she worked her flaming magic to take care of our archer problem. It was at that point that we made the discovery that our mode of transport was currently on fire. This time it was not Serenity’s fault, so I quickly brought the mage back inside and by the time we came to a stop, they had been taken care of by Carnifex.

Leaving the cart in the woods we quietly made our way to the place we needed to go to rescue the good folk of Raccoon Hill, which was named “Sorrows Refuge”, I scent some irony in that, and I have a feeling this is once again going to be a dark and a very non loved filled encounter. We need more LOVE in our missions! Perhaps I should bring this up with Elia at some point?

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When Acting As A Particle

I’m awoken by a sharp blow to the back of the head. Ow. Ow ow ow. I ache all over. Feels like someone took turns kicking the crap out of me. Heads pounding. Mouth tastes like shit. Spit a little to clear the taste. I’m getting a little feedback from that kiss from the cleric. Ugh. Well this sucks.

I try to move but find I’m tied to a chair. Great. I wriggle around to see if the ropes are loose enough to escape. Wriggle wriggle. Nope. This was a professional job. Looks like the rest of the assassins caught up with me. Let’s open our eyes and see what they want.

I am indeed tied to a chair. This chair is in a dark and dirty shed, most likely outside of town. There is a man in front of me with an angry look on his face. The dead look in his eyes gives away his soulless nature. This is not a man. This is a fictional construct, designed to hinder me. Right now, he’s doing a good job, I’m ashamed to admit.

I can guess that there are others in the room aside from the man in front of me. I can hear their tittering. They’re like little schoolgirls with knives. I bet each morning they wake up late and have to run to the guild with a toaster in their mouths because they don’t have time to eat breakfast. Silly schoolgirl assassins, just set your alarms earlier. Toasters are expensive.

Another sharp blow to the head brings my thoughts back to the situation in front of me. The man speaks in a hollow voice, going on about how difficult I’ve made life for them and what they should do to me. I’m not scared. They had a chance to kill me and didn’t, so they want something. I start drifting back into focus as he describes how hard it was to get me out of Silverymoon. Such trivial matters. Such theatrics. Get to the point.

After pontificating for an eternity, he gets to the point. I mouth along with him as he describes how I get one more chance to redeem myself because trying to kill me is an exercise in futility. The look of irritation on my interrogator’s face as he describes how many ways they tried to kill me is a thing of beauty. I am given three assignments to complete: The cleric who questioned me about Newfort, the vomiting wizard, and the midget in the mask. Kill the cleric and the masked one, and do not harm in any way whatsoever the wizard.

At this point I begin to complain. The cleric has already used a spell that prevents me from lying. How do I beat that? The wizard is not only a wizard, but a PC to boot. How do you expect me to get her to you unharmed? I’m not even allowed to club her in the back of the head to knock her out. If I tie her up she might get a rope burn. Hell, how are you going to handle her once you get her? She’s just going to blow everything up! And if the masked one is so dangerous, why did you keep sending people to attack her directly like an idiot? Give me something that prevents them from reading my mind!

The person behind me must have grown tired of someone talking sense so they hit me again, this time hard enough to knock me out. I wake up in the shed alone. They were nice enough to have left all my stuff right beside me, so mise. I head towards the place where I was told to meet the party. It begins right away, as I am presented a WANTED poster with my face and the name Sentenza. The guild is powerful enough to extract me from the city but not powerful enough to cover up the death of one of their own? Interesting.

The members of the party begin to question me about the poster. “Is this you?” they ask. A simple “No” from me dissuades that notion among all but one of them. The masked one. Interesting. I ask to speak to her privately. Let’s see why all the assassins are afraid of such a tiny thing.

I craft a finely written story, full of whimsy and horseshit. She tells me to cut the crap. I refine my details to the smallest fleck of fecal matter. She turns to call the guards. Interesting. She’s a mind reader. I look her straight in the eyes as I tell her the complete truth. There’s a sparkle in her eyes, one different from the other party members. There’s someone behind those eyes. Someone powerful.

I agree to work solely for her, on the condition that I’m protected from the assassin’s guild. She agrees and we’re off. I can’t believe it! I can’t lose here! If I wanted to, I could flip the assassins the biggest bird possible. I could be like “Hey you sneaky motherfuckers, wanna see some emus? Because here are two for you!” and then they’re all going “Ooooooooh that Vino. One of these days buddy, one of these days!” while twirling their little mustaches as I turn 360 degrees and moonwalk away. Suckers.

On the other hand, I absolutely hate the idea of being in the employment of the queen. Under whose authority is she telling people what to do? These people get so full of themselves because a couple idiots just blindly follow her. Clerics and paladins are even worse, because they gladly follow whatever ethos their magical sky fairy scribbled down.

Gods. Kings. I’m just a guy trying to live to tomorrow and if I happen to topple any of those stuck up pricks along the way then so be it.

We leave Silverymoon as I navigate. Carnifex has turned the carriage they were using into some sort of tank pulled by a robot horse. I’ll be honest, that horse is pretty awesome. One of these days I want to ride that thing and trample some dudes. Actually, I’m going to paint that on the side of the caravan.

Late that night, I am awoken by Carnifex to navigate us through a blizzard. Halfway through preventing us from getting lost and dying in the snow, we heard something large and phallic moving out in the snow. It was a snowworm! I started to go back inside to get my hooks and snort some Melange, but Carnifex stopped me. I never get to play Kwisatz Haderach.

I take us offroad to avoid becoming one with the Old Man of the Snow. After making sure our driver wasn’t going to get us killed, I went inside to sleep off the spice.

I am awoken by a burst of cold air. The person responsible for this will be crucified on a cross of rusty nails. As I use a wooden spoon to skin them, I will be sure to pour salty vodka into the exposed flesh. Their screams will be a sweet song to my ears. I notice Elia is woken up as I think this. Huh. Looks like she has Detect Hostility on me. Well this is awkward.

It’s morning now and Carnifex somehow found an orphanage. I remain outside to avoid the fecal cabbage smell most orphans possess. Instead, I pass the time by clocking the wizard in the back of the head with a snowball. There’s no way she can see me in the snow, so I don’t have to fear retailia- And she just cast a giant Fireball where she thought it came from. Is she dense? This place is littered with orphans! If it had been that little boy with the wooden stump and one eye over there throwing that snowball… He probably would have missed actually. Let’s say that other skinny kid with both eyes threw the snowball. He’s now a charred corpse. Team Silver Guardians go?

Actually, this is useful. If she’s willing to attempt murder for a snowball, then we may be able to push hard enough to turn her against the guild. Or the rest of the party. Or Alustrial. Or my sandwich that needs toasting. The possibilities are endless!

I spend the rest of the time doing some tracking in order to get my bearings. Getting us to the woods shouldn’t be too difficult now. I just hope they’ll be fine when I run out halfway through the attack.

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Serenity's Contemplations Part 9

Red Wizards with Exploding Buildings

I found two stones to make into my newest enchantment. I happened to have two sapphires from one of the trips out. So I chose to use these since they are some of the strongest stones besides a diamond. At first Elia was unsure as to what the purpose of the stone I laid in her delicate hands served. I ran to the other side of the school yard and “sent” her a message explaining the function of the stones and that she may contact me from any length of space. Once Elia found out that we had a way of communicating at least once a day she was very happy. It is not as good as the mirrors of communication, but until I find a second mirror that looks about like the one my mother gave me, which Belial blew up, and that Carnifex fixed I will need to wait. Plus with the orders of the rest of the group and going to class I didn’t have a lot of time.

I do not mind making things for the group in fact it is fun and I like making people happy. I even made a pair of gloves for our newest member! It should help him with his sword play. I rarely find time at the moment to spend with Elia. I know this makes her unhappy however I need to attend as much classes as I can and get things in order for when I become a Fellow of the College. This spring I will graduate and become a member of staff. I will be such until my fifth year. At which point I may join the Spellguard of Siverymoon. They are some of the best mages and sorcerers that the college has ever had! I dream of one day being as great and powerful as they are! Plus their outfits are awesome! Royal blue and all made for battle. Not like the school robes that I had to ditch when out on the road due to not being able to run with them on.

However I did have some down time that turned into a blast! I was walking in the market looking for some components when Keiji and the fellow from Waylon Hill, I think his name was Justin. Came up to me and asked about the crypts under the city. I knew I could get myself in and that there were only dead things down there. That is when they told me the story of Justin’s love and how Keiji “saw” her in a “vision” under earth almost crypt like area. So I took Justin and asked the guards to let me in so I could do some school work on Necromancy. They wouldn’t let me in. (They must know me and that I hate dead things.) So I told Justin to sit tight and I turned myself invisible and walked right past the dumb guards.

So I was in the crypts of Silverymoon and it was dark and dank and ewe! I hate dead things and what’s more I had no idea what this girl looked like! I walked around and found nothing so I came back up to tell Justin that there was no lost girl, besides me, down there. That is when I came upon Keiji digging at the ground with a bunch of the guard and he even found Seraphim! They were digging up a huge blue flowered tree! What on the Gods Realms got into his head!? That is when we all heard the “THUNK” of wood. My heart sank. I knew without looking that it was a coffin. Justin ran to see as Keiji opened the lid with a crow-bar he “barowed” from a shop. I could tell from the look on Justin’s face it was her. She was gone from him forever. I wanted to cry, tears were filling my eyes as my chest began to ache. I was sure that this is what it would feel like if it was Elia in that box and not the girl.

Keiji came over with Seraphim and told me about the whole thing. About how Mr, Darvin
(the Red Wizard of Thay from earlier) had donated this tree and that he may well be the suspect. My chest burned and I wanted justice for the girl in the ground and her lover! I wanted that vile man to be brought down to justice with the hand of Torm! He did not deserve to live in a wonderful city such as Silverymoon when he did such acts of evil!

However Seraphim being from the cloth of Torm said it needed to be done in an orderly fashion and went to her temple and gathered clerics to speak with the dead. They gathered around the poor dead girl and cast their magic on her.(I guess some good comes from begging for spells.) She stated that which we all knew. Darvin had killed her for knowing too much about his evil dealings with the cult at Waylon Hill. So off I went and off went the group of the guard that finally decided that Darvin was no longer “a fine upstanding citizen of Silverymoon” like they stated in a return letter about my warnings about that monster! The captain of the guard knocked however this vile being lost all pleasantries when he decided to take an innocent life and not try and atone for it! I am also sure it was not on accident either! So when the handmaid answered the door I stepped in and stated that we were in need to speak to her master and that he was being arrested for murder of a woman.

She stated that he was not there and off on business. We pushed our way inside to investigate the building and see if we couldn’t find anything else to show how much of a despicable person he was. The maid was going on about something and I put silence on her. As I was looking around she was writing something down and not thinking that she might be a mage, I took my spell off and she yelled the last bit of an incantation and stripped and ran out the door! I ran after her because she may know something and of course Carnifex got to her first. As we reached her the whole damned building went up in a big “BOOM!” We turned to see that the building was in flames and smoke. All I thought of was “damn contingency spells!” Of course he would have the place ready to blow if he was found out! Damn why didn’t I think of that! At that moment however all I thought of was helping my friends out of the blaze. I healed who I could with what little spellfire I had and tried to do it without being to noticeable. I was banking on the fact people would be looking at the building that was burning more than me. I helped where I could to put out the fire. This creature will pay for what he has done to everyone! I knew Red Wizards were bad news but now its personal! I will find him and make him pay for his crimes.

That night we all met with Elia and found out that Darvin was heading to the woods Demi came from and that the town’s folk still needed to be saved. And with winter coming in full swing travel was going to be hard. So we all agreed to head to the Night Tree Forest the next day to save who we could then we could head to Demi’s forest next. I have lived my whole life here and know that winters are harsh and unforgiveing. However no amount of clothing would prep me for the amount of snow that was outside the city gate.

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Logs of the warforged 7

the journey back to silvery moon was mostly uneventful, at least until the final day of our journey when it seemed the party was trying to pull some sort of cruel joke on the demon again. Do they not realize he is our guide that should he decide to he could lead us so off course we might not make it back. mortals are strange creatures. I cut his ropes free just in time for a dire bear to show up this creature was more of challenge than the beasts and mortals I had fought since my awakening. soon the females were arguing over keiji and the looks on his face screamed somebody help me. so I removed him from the conflict and every thing seemed to calm down. it wasnt long til we made it back to silvery moon, after taking our prisoner to the jail I head back to the old mans shop. he had a surprise for me, my own work space. though when I hauled the dire bear corpse in I gave him quite a start. the week when by quickly I had many projects that took up my time. New armor for Keiji and our new ranger. I was able use a technique I pick up from the elves so many years ago to fashion some armor form leaves for Demi. She seam quite happy with it and even asked me to make a cloak for her as well. for our mage a new spell book made entirely from metal even the page though I realize it may have been a bit too heavy so I had it enchanted to float. then there was the wagon with the cold season coming I made some adjustments to it so the party could be more comfortable during our journeys and i managed to get my improved horse up and running. with so much going on I barely had time to finish trying my hand at taxidermy. I will say of all the thing I have created I have never thought to use the subject as the material. thanks to the taxidermy kit I picked up in the temple I was now the owner of a stuffed dire bear. we also had a meeting with the ruler of the city she wanted to hire us as a symbol for the area. to inspire hope to the people. apparently we are now the silver gaurdians. it is just another title to me one of many I have acquired over the years.the men had been slacking off during my trip away so I asked keiji to assist me in training them. we started by having a spar. ( I confess I had an alternative motive to doing this, Keiji is a skilled swords man, but only his sword I fear one day he will be caught with out it or it will break and he will not be able to defend him self.) the men took the lession to heart and have began training with different styles of weapons. on our lst day in town the mage ran past in a hurry and bid me come with her.we arrived at a large house the home of the trader we met on the road a while ago. apearntly he had meruder some one and they were surching for clues. sudden ly the maid recited and incantaion and ran out the door I persued her just in time for the house to explode as I caught her the young mage cast hold on her and I quickly set about locating demi. thanks to Azures talents It was easy to do she had been badly hurt but I managed to heal her. keiji too was badly hurtand several charges later was good as new. it was about this time I noticed our new ranger trying to kill the maid . I manged to stop him and throw him aside be fore he could do any damage he then disappeared in to the shadows. I will have to watch him closely he may have been trying to silence the maid be fore she could talk. after I took the maid to the jail. I went back to the remains of the house to see if I could find any clues. what I found was my battle visor it seams this trader may know where the rest of my gear is. I shall have to let Azure question the young maid

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Of Evil Gods and Desecration

Part One: Of Evil Gods

I went back in to explore the temple some more. Back in the main hall, Serenity, Marine, and Keiji were all enacting their own plan on how to infiltrate the yucky temple. But I didn’t need one. Invisibility is good for that. But none of my talents could have prepared me for what I was going to see.

I meandered around for a while, trying to find more evidence that this was no temple of Mistra when I came upon a large room. There was a little podium in the center, and shadowy guys lurking in the corners. They looked human, but something about them was…off. I was ready to flee from this vile feeling room when a priest came in with a couple of townsfolk. They were wearing the same robes that the other receivers of “Mistra’s Sacred Molesting-I mean, Blessing” were putting on, the very same garment that Serenity and Marine, cleverly disguised as hobos, would be wearing after they signed up.

They were brought into the center of the room. The priest withdrew a black orb from the podium. It was weird- the insides seemed to swirl and writhe, and yet it was completely dark. Looking at it, it was surely made of stone or glass, and yet no light seemed to reflect from it. The priest muttered an incantation and the darkness filled the air above their heads. I looked away, afraid and unsure of what would happen. Moments later, the initiates stared back and their temple denizen, expressionless- like dolls. The priest ordered another temple guard to out them with the others. He put the orb back into its compartment.

Once the room was vacant, I finally had a goal in mind. I was going to get that orb! Of all the proof in the world I could find that these assholes were up to no good, this was probably the best! I flew to the podium and unlocked the compartment, pulling out the ball. It wasn’t as heavy as I was expecting it to be. It also gave me yucky feelings, so I through it in my bag of holding. I could swear I felt my bag shudder. Steeve had told me something once about churches. “Never take anything from the church” He’d said, “Because they are not friendly. It dodesn’t matter who their God is- if you take their shit, you’d better be prepared to have fiery hell come raining down on you, or assassins, or karma’s piss, or cows. It never ends up well for you. In fact, most often it ends up with cold irons and a guy named Bubba.” But who ever listens to Steeve? Yet despite thinking this, I couldn’t help but wonder if there would be any repercussions.

Anyways, I was going to go about my not-so-merry-rather-more-like-scared-confused-and-cautious-way, when there was a loud boom. Immediately, I reasoned that something must have gone wrong on Serenity’s end. I turned around to go see if I could find her and help when I ran into yucky priest man! This was my chance, I thought! My tiny heart fluttered with excitement as I withdrew a sleep arrow and positioned it in my bow.
“Prepare to meet…the sandman.” I thought in my head before letting it fly. The arrow hit him in the back of the neck. And yet, he didn’t fall asleep? He turned around, suddenly on guard.
“Who’s there!?” He asked, wandering around for a bit, looking for me, but he couldn’t find me. Finally he relaxed, my tiny arrow still sticking out from the nape of his neck. “Must have been my imagination.” He said, before walking out the doors.

Serenity had been apprehended. I returned to the scene in time to see her being taken into custody. But then, there was the metal man! I first, I was very confused, because there he was, arresting Serenity, and then he even escorted her to the temple. Just whose side was he on!? But soon it became apparent that he was doing that thing I am not very good at- pretending to be someone else! He did the arresting and escorting to ensure her safety! What a stand up fellow!

So anyways, Serenity was in jail, and we needed to find a way to break her out! I, Keiji, and Ellia didn’t really want anyone else to die- after all, these were good guards who hadn’t really done anything wrong. We ended up using Marine as a decoy for the guards, who are fond of pretty ladies, and just had Serenity walk out during the distraction. Ellia began to prepare the cart for our retreat so all that was left to do was wait for the metal man to return- he had gone to give more cleverly placed lies to the temple. Everything for just a moment seemed to be going alright…

But then Marine hit a guard over the head with a log. I am still confused as to why she did this! She screamed, and so Bel came to her ‘rescue’, thinking she needed help! And by ‘came to her rescue’ I mean he shot the guard in the face with an arrow, even after Ellia had specifically said not to kill anyone!! What the hell was going on!? Ellia ran off to get the metal man, probably a wise decision. Thinking it would somehow make things better, Bel made everything turn dark. Things got really scary and confusing for a while, but then the metal man and Ellia returned and we got away. Serenity had run off a bit ahead of us, not wanting to be killed which she surely would be if they specifically caught her, the “insane temple desecrater”. Belial wasn’t too happy with how she ran off without thanking us for breaking her out. Honestly, it didn’t bother me too much, I just wanted to get out of there!

After fleeing the town we made camp near the woods. Never thought I would miss trees so much. Everyone else was bickering and despite my efforts I couldn’t get them to stop. But Carnifex did, by yelling- reeeeally loudly. Everyone shut up and he wandered off through the trees to think. Much later, it became apparent that thee metal man still hadn’t returned! I went after him to see if he could find him. After all, I had spent my whole life in the forest, and so I figured I could easily navigate one. Fifteen minutes later, I had decided that this forest was wrong and evil and impossible to navigate even by someone with skill! Belial found both myself and the metal man and returned us safely to camp.

There was a lot of tense air now, and one big question: what next? We had to go back- we couldn’t just let the evil temple destroy that whole town. Carnifex said he had a plan. I prayed it would work.

Part Two: Desecration

Carnifex did have a pretty good plan- who would go to the temple with the creepy orb and the Sharlatan neckglace I got, posing as a representative of Shar. He would return the orb. He would help us get in (not that I needed help) and we would find the missing townsfolk. Getting in though was still no easy task. Serenity cast a spell to make herself and the others invisible. I was surprised to find that I could see them! My strange new abilities are getting better by the day! It was hard trying to sneak through all the doors while Carnifex non-nonchalantly held them open. It wasn’t long however until we were discovered, and then it was fighting time. We battled our way to the back of the temple and down the stairs. We discovered that this actually was previously a temple of Mistra, but it had since been desecrated. Her books lay partially destroyed and strewn about on the floor. The only thing that remained was her statue, untouched oddly enough among the chaos. We dispatched of a bunch of shadow men and a giant sludge monster. Keiji walked down a hallway to a large set of double doors and set about to figuring out how to open them. In the meantime, I found a different set of doors. I could hear something on the other side, so I decided to do what I had down a few times earlier that day and slip through the crack between the door and the floor! But this one wasn’t big enough! Steeve had once told me I shouldn’t try butting in where I don’t fit- it was a good way to get squished like a bug! At first I had been angry at this and ignored him- I HATE getting compared to bugs! Except for once, I realized Steeve was right, as the person in the room, who had been suiting up into her armor, headed for the door, and I almost personally met her metal clad foot!

Thankfully I was able to wriggle out. Somewhere behind me a gong was going off. But I didn’t have time for that now- there was a whole room of stuff before me! While the others were taking care of the bad priest lady, Bel wiped out a harmless statue, shot Keiji in the face, and I looted the room! Carnifex took care of the lady and tied her up for questioning. Carnifex went off somewhere after that and we all discovered behind the giant double doors a large wall made of black stone! It was solid and intimidating. I kind of thought it looked really cool, and yet it was pretty ominous as well.

We found Carnifex moments later, talking to a man on a boat, and in the water was some sort of large, dead lizard thing. The man on the boat was willing to take us to where the missing villagers were, for a price, but we declined because we had more to do before we could go. So we left.

We helped fix up the town, and then it was time to return to Silvery Moon. I was eager to go back to the lovely city and put this place behind me. But the journey back was not without trouble…

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The Clusterfluff of tragedy and...love?

Getting back to Silvery Moon SHOULD have been an easy cake walk, and we were nearly within the gates I swear when just a lot of nasty went down. Demi was busy trying to keep Bel in the group and hey, I can offer my “help” in tying up the ranger if that pleases the little fae. It just happened to be horrible timing with him getting that done, and our attention being diverted for a DIRE BEAR to some how SNEAK up on all of us. To say that I wasn’t not thrilled at this aspect would be an extreme understatement. What did I do though? I of course rushed towards the bear to do my part of defending the group from this mangy slavering giant of a fur beastie. Bel somehow managed to anger the all ready cranky bear by shooting it in the head and I took the brunt of that attack. Thank you sir! Merinae…or…how did I spell it before? Never mind, she had the audacity to say to me that if she healed me that I would be indebted to her…now I can put up with all sorts of things, but WHY should I be indebted to someone doing their jobs? I don’t tell them that they are indebted to me when I go toe to toe with the enemy now do I?

While that was going on, I felt myself get healed anyway and as the dire bear was taken down by our group effort, and probably mostly Carnifex, I turn to see what was going on. To my relief and happy surprise, Seraphim and shown up. I of course had to greet her with a friendly smile as I went up to her. Though, perhaps going up to the three of them was a bad idea…since a small…perhaps you could call it a fight, broke out over healing rights to me. It was very, very weird. I was picked up by Carnifex, and carted away. Might have made a small noise of surprise as I was thrown over one metal covered shoulder. I was used to being the one doing the carrying, not the other way around.

After that small fiasco, we made it once again to the beautiful city of Silvery Moon! We met with the high lady, and we changed our group name…we had a group name?…to “the silver guardians” or something close to that. My idea was of course shot down, but who wouldn’t want to be in the group “The Crusaders of Love”?! It was not much later after that we met our new ranger Vino. I found him to be a nice friendly fellow, and it was easy to sit and chat with him. I guess before I got to him, that Seraphim for some reason gave him the twenty question almost interrogation ride and when I came up to him he had been initially afraid I was going to do the same. No way was that my intention though I found it weird that she would want to do that to him in the first place. As the night progressed there was a small issue with Merinae, where she professed her love to me. It was certainly a surprise to me, and I wasn’t sure how to handle her. She acts so much younger than me, though truthfully she is at least four times as old as myself. I had to let her know that even though I believe in helping others find love, I was not ready for it, and didn’t want to be tied down to it. This of course upset her, and it led to her running away crying. I figure it is a passing phase and she will get over me soon enough. There are many other fish in the sea, nicer looking and probably a better match for her than me. There is an extremely good reason why I’m not interested in finding love as well, though I really shouldn’t bring it up with anyone in the group. The past is the past after all, and even though it still burdens me, hopefully these people will help me get beyond it.

Serenity had a little too much to drink and I had moved to help steady her, right before she upchucked a good portion of what was in her stomach onto Vino, the guy took it reasonably well enough, though I winced in sympathy for him. Just as I was about to help Serenity back to wherever she needed to go, Elia swooped by and snatched her out of my arms and strode out the door. Hands still in air it took a moment for my brain to realize what happened. “well alrighty then.” I’m rather positive those were the only words that left me at that. As long as the young wizard got taken care of, then I was not worried. Elia was a trustworthy person after all, and I doubted she would do anything to harm the girl.

The next day, I started out with helping Carnifex teach the more advanced techniques of fighting to guards. When he just stood there after saying we were starting, to say I got a bit concerned would be an understatement, but none the less, I mustered up the courage to slide my sword out of its sheath off my back and continue the swing into an attack. Almost faster than I could react, he had twisted my wrist, removing the blade from my hand and it was then held in his own. That was indeed a surprise! Staring across the large blade of my own sword I let a small laugh out as I pulled the longsword that I had yet to sell out of it’s much smaller scabbard and held it loosely in my hand. It felt like I was holding nothing compared to the normal heft I was used to. It was obvious who the victor was in that short exchange and it was obvious that I needed to expand my field of studies a bit. I had become too specialized in my field of training which led to me being weak all around as a soldier. I wonder if Carnifex would be willing to help me get better at that?

After selling the unnecessary items that I had collected, I was just walking down the street when Justin, a man who traveled with us to find his lost lover, came across me. He seemed rather frantic about finding the girl, and I felt bad that I had briefly forgotten about her. Telling him what I knew and what I had seen in a dream, we first tried to get entrance into the catacombs, that failed and as we were walking back by the fountain, I thought I saw her beneath a vivid blue tree…but when I turned to look fully she was gone. It caught my attention and instead of continuing on the way that we had been going, I wandered over to check out the tree. I didn’t know what it was exactly, but it was a new tree to the area. The dirt was still upturned and looked like it had been freshly done. This didn’t add up at all, and my mind started to place pieces of a very disturbing puzzle together. Serenity was walking by and I asked her for her assistance, which she was more than willing to do, and with her went Justin. Seraphim was the next that came by and together we went and asked first about the tree, which we learned had been donated by Mr. Darvin.

Now I knew stuff was getting serious. We had to go to find the master Botanist, Master Wiggleturf, which led to a huge long drawn out ordeal of Seraphim having to bribe the old man with cheese, and then we took a very, very long time in walking the three blocks back to the tree. After a bit more cheese, he went on to explain about the White Balgosi and where it came from. Just as he got up to leave, I asked him why it was flowering blue if it was known for its white flowers and the chilling answer I got was that when it was buried over a dead body the flowers turned to that vivid blue color. Hell, no…the feeling of my stomach dropping was very not welcome as I quickly went to work about digging around the tree, being careful to not actually damage the plant. When some guards came over to try and stop me, I “kindly” let them knew that this was most likely a murder scene and they got down to business as well. We were digging, and we kept digging until my shovel suddenly hit something solid. Getting the others attention we went to work at uncovering the item. What met our eyes, most likely chilled us all. It was a crate the size of a coffin. Making my way out of the whole, I ran over to a merchant who was selling tools and borrowed a crowbar, letting him know I would return with it forthwith. Opening the box we found the very dead body of one Anastasia. Justin and Serenity showed back up just about then, and I felt my shoulders sag at the sad truth that was now facing the other man cruelly. Next to him appeared the ghost of Anastasia and it took all my willpower to not cry as she hugged him and had her peace before fading away. Clerics were called in to help with the final rites and asking Anastasia who had done this to her. The name of the culprit who killed her was of no surprise to us as she said in a haunting voice that “Mr. Darvin had killed her because she knew what he had been doing.”

In force we went to Mr. Darvins house to confront the man. With the city guard and we met by the house maid saying he wasn’t in…of course he wouldn’t be in, that would make it too easy. We didn’t let that stop us from going in there and trying to find any further evidence. She had initially been silenced, but Serenity then released her of it. I turned in time to catch the woman say some kind of gibberish, rip her clothes off and run out of the house like hellcats were on her heels. Crazy woman…was what I thought when I turned back to look at something. That was what I did right before the whole place exploded. When I came to, shortly afterword, I was in probably the worst shape I had ever been in. I had been ripped up by debris having hit me, and from the blast. Slowly getting onto unsteady feet, I looked for the two other people in the room I had remembered being there with me. Finding Vino and Demi, I forced each of them to drink a potion to steady their condition just well enough for me to be able to get them out of the burning building. Those were the most intense, pain and terrified filled minutes of my life. Getting them to safety, I just let myself plop ungracefully to the ground trying to catch my breath. Not an easy thing to do when you are bleeding from all sorts of injuries and suffering from the after effects of being in an explosion. The other two got patched up quickly by the healers while Carnifex helped me, I will have to make sure to pay him back somehow for that.

Mr. Darvin is of course still on the loose, but they set out notices for his arrest, and hopefully I won’t have to deal with another exploding building anytime soon.

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Paradigm Shift

I’ve been told that it’s customary for members of this group to write journal entries regarding our adventures so that the boys and girls at home can follow our exciting adventures via the medium of high school level creative writing class rejects. I don’t like keeping records of where I’ve been, so I’m just going to give a quick introduction of myself and then start making shit up.

Hi! My name is Vino Leone! I’m 23 years old and I’m a super special unique snowflake that everyone loves and I fart out rainbows and all the girls from miles around come around to lick the rainbow poop flecks off my filthy taint!

Hi, there kids! It’s me, your friendly neighborhood Vino!

I killed a man in cold blood simply so I can kill the writer

My name is Vino Leone. I’ve been hired to replace Belial as the ranger of the group. He left because he felt that his life was in danger due to the rapidly increasing threats he was facing and his terrible luck. So, he called in a favor and here I am.

To be honest, I probably would have taken the job anyways. I can’t exactly stay in Silverymoon after botching a mission for the assassin’s guild. I killed the wrong guy, big deal. It’s not like his life had any sort of value. He’s nothing but a figment of our collective imaginations, a single use device to provide a small group direction and advance the plot forward. He had run his course and the fact that I managed to extract any sort of value from him is astounding in itself.

For those of you who don’t know, to be an assassin, you have to kill a man for no other reason than to become one. I want to kill someone, and assassins are professional killers, so becoming one seemed obvious. It’s not like I get off on killing people, I just have a job to do. Really, all assassins are are just very targeted soldiers. For a soldier, you just tell him “Go kill the guys in that group” then pay him if he survives. Using patriotism as justification for mass murder is more legitimate than just earning a paycheck to the average peasant. Hell, using an assassin is way more economical than hiring an entire army. Saves more lives too.

So when I returned and talked with my handler- I’m going to stop here for a second. Handler. Like I’m some sort of dog. “Here boy! Go get the stick boy! Ohhh that’s not a stick, that’s Ol’ Man Johnson’s head! Good boy!” Anyways, he was pissed regarding the job so we got into a scuffle. He tried to use my own style against me, but didn’t quite manage to finish me off. I got him though. Cut out a nice chunk out of him too. So then there I was, injured and covered in blood, stuck in a closet, and some jackass is pounding on the door. I disguised myself as one of my alter egos: Liliana Dangertits. I purposefully come up with the most retarded names I can think of and these jackasses fall for it every time! So I open the door, grab him, knock his dumb ass out and roll him around in the blood a bit so the guards suspect him. Then I walk out the front door like it’s no one’s business because hey, now it isn’t!

I get back to the bar where I’m staying and I hear this commotion inside. The bird he sent was flying around making a mess! There was bird shit everywhere ,some poor bastard was grabbing the remains of his eye that the bird had pecked out, and I’m nearly pissing myself laughing because Bel named it Hudson Hawk and put a little nametag on it. So when I get the scroll and find out he’s offering me a job, I’m getting more and more excited. Ancient civilizations? Robots? And best of all, a super special wizard with super special powers. Oh man I nearly bust a nut after reading that line. This entire scenario is just a giant clusterfuck waiting to happen! What is he going to do if/when someone tries his damnedest to crash his story? He’s going to have to intervene personally! And when he steps down onto our level, we get him! I’ve got this semi hate boner going on right now thinking about him and it’s really kind of distracting, so I’m going to go take care of that and get right back to you.

FURIOUSLY MASTURBATING WHILE SCREAMING DEATH THREATS

Right, sorry about that. Feel better though. You should take a wank break too reader. Here’s I’ll wait.

Done? Wash your hands? Me neither. Anyways, so Bel gets into town and we’re both going at it because we haven’t seen each other in a long time. We’re running around in the room (we got bunkbeds) and tittering like school children and he’s telling me about his adventures and the group and how he killed an entire town in a cutscene and I’m going on about the assassination and how guys want me dead and the adventure with the felch wizards and it’s all very entertaining and writing it out would be pretty masturbatory and we’ve got that out of our systems already so onward and upwards then.

We’re hanging out while the other players wrap up their storyline bits. Then it’s time for me to meet the meat. First up there’s the Fighter. He’s a pretty cool guy, level headed, has a monkey around for what I assume is a reason to throw poop at things. Probably wouldn’t kick him out of bed for eating crackers, though we’d have to talk about why he’s eating crackers in my bed and why he’s even in my bed. Then there were two clerics. One was so wet for Keiji that her armor rusted. She kissed me and ran off crying. Tasted like kumquat and spunk. The other cleric was asking questions about the assassination job in Newfort. She’s pretty sure I killed the guy, so it looks like I’m going to have a busy next week, with killing her and/or a mob.

Next up was the giant robot. They tell me that I don’t know what a robot is, but I know a robot when I see a robot and that was a robot. He had a big sword and made me new armor. I like him. Then there was the wizard. She vomited on me, then had a creepy lesbian semi-rape thing go on. Then she made me gloves. I am neutral on her. Last, and in terms of size least, was the pixie. I’m going to go bash my head against the wall because I hate trying to deal with the Fae.

Apparently Bel has been acting like a complete jackass the entire time and they made sure I did things like “not drink explosive poison” and “bathe”. I gave Bel the biggest high-five imaginable after that interview. I, maintaining my persona of a humble, polite ranger, managed to ace it.

So near the end of the week, I follow a couple people in the group as they finish a side-quest and try to catch one of many antagonists, each with very well developed motivations and back stories. So I’m following them, trying to be a team player, when the wizard eats some of the spells. Stupid magical plot hacks? Perfect. Sadly, she ate a spell that ended up causing a chain of events that made the house blow up. She got away of course, because she can totally move faster than someone like me or Keiji or the pixie. So we nearly died again.

I got patched up some and may have potentially lost my cool and attempted to kill the chick who blew the house up. The Warforged stopped me, so it’s fine for now. Just need to keep that temper in shape. Not go off and kill everyone who pisses you off because that’s what evil sociopaths do and I am neutral thank you very much.

So we’re heading out now. This was kind of fun. Maybe I’ll do it again.

Bye.

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