Following the attack on the bar, we decided to head out and protect the town. Cagey was out cold and our cleric stayed behind to make sure the monkey didn’t finish him off. I grabbed my stuff and met up with the rest of the non-lazy members of the party. Masky split up the party thusly: Blondy, Bender, and herself would go north to make sure the guy paying us wasn’t dead. The barkeep, Demi, and Myself would go another direction to clear out the guard tower or someplace. Look, I was pretty out of it at this point, I just followed everyone else’s lead.
We stepped outside to find ourselves surrounded by orcs on all sides. Masky’s group headed out while I took shots… at the orcs. They dropped pretty easily, except for this one motherfucker who I couldn’t make a spot check on to save my life. We split up and I found myself faced by two angry orcs. I let loose two arrows with every single ounce of my skill. They sliced open the necks of the foul smelling duo, continued through a nearby fire, bounced off a nearby wall, and landed on the inn and the general store, setting them ablaze.
The barkeep was in shock after witnessing my incredible swag. After he collected himself, we got buckets to help put out the fire. I made sure to let my teammates know they were in danger by alerting them in an efficient and caring manner.
Bel poked his head in the inn’s door. “SHIT’S ON FIRE, YO.”
Following that, I took the job of climbing the side of the inn because the barkeep had the upper body strength of a noodle person with ED. Two buckets of water just about put the fire out, but there was still a little left. I thought back to the advice my grandfather gave me when I was little:
“Bel, if at any point in your life you want to put out a fire, just piss on it. Nothing shows fire who’s the boss like piss.”
Powerful words. I unfastened my pants and let loose my stream of justice. While writing my name in mid-air, I remembered the other bit of advice Grandfather gave me:
“Of course, if you ever become an alcoholic like your father or me, don’t do that because you’ll probably blow some shit up.”
I was blasted off the room midstream, sending fire and pee everywhere. The blaze grew bigger and seemed to flip me the bird. I swear I heard “I’m a beautiful strong bar fire who don’t need no piss” in the crackling of the flames. No, wait, that’s the blood rushing out of my ears.
As I lie there looking at the night sky, covered in soot and soaked with my own urine, I wondered exactly what sort of god would allow something like this to happen. Surely some celestial being up in the sky who wasn’t busy shitting their pants laughing at my drunken antics would realize that “Hey, maybe giving the Tiefling flammable urine was a bad idea.” And maybe Half Life 3 will be released.
I got up, put my pants back on correctly, and ran to the entrance to make sure the two got out alright. They did, but the cleric was
pissed furious with me. I tried to talk with her, but she was too busy yelling and trying to smite me for me to give any sort of shit of what she was saying back to me. Honestly, it was like she wasn’t even there except by proxy.
I decided that it may be in our best interest to get some supplies from the inn before it burned down completely. Once again, I tried to initiate conversation between me and my party members, but they were off being wimps.
“Hey, I’m going to grab some stuff from the bar before it completely burns down, you want anything? Where are you guys runni-”
The inn exploded, sending me flying backwards into another building. How rucky that that was there. I looked around to see if everyone else made it okay. Oh hey, looks like the fire on the store got the spot check guy. Sweet.
I wasn’t feeling too hot at the moment, having just survived two explosions at point blank range, a fall, getting attacked by an angry orc barbarian, and getting a little bit of pee on my pants. So I asked the cleric to do her job.
The cleric turned redder than me in absolute rage as she healed me, then punched me in the face. What a bitch, last time I tell her to get out of the building after I set it on fire. Jesus.
I used the buckets and a nearby horse trough to put out the store’s fire quickly and efficiently. I don’t see why everyone else is staring at me in such shock, it’s not like there was anything important in the inn.
Demi, Barkeep, and I all ran over to the guard’s club place… thing? I wasn’t too clear on that. While Demi took a look inside in an attempt to lower the drawbridge and let us in, I shot the shit with the barkeep. He looked like he could use a friend.
“Hey buddy, I saw your inn burned down. You doing okay?”
“Look man, I’m real sorry. It usually only burns me when I pee.”
“dot dot dot”
“Come on, two people have to talk in order to have a conversation and you’re not doing a very good job on your end.”
"" He didn’t give me an ellipses.
“Fine. Be antisocial.”
The drawbridge fell revealing a big courtyard. I ran into battle and tripped on a banana peel, sending me tumbling into the ass of a zombie ogre.
“WAH! What are we going to do on the ogre?” POMF =3
Oh great, my horns are stuck.
I struggled to detach myself and managed to pull my head out of his rectum partially, but not before vomiting in it. Maybe I should cut down on my drinking. My brief moment of introspection gave me a better idea: MORE BOOZE. I grabbed my waterskin and my bottle of scumble out of my satchel.
Now for those of you who aren’t familiar with scumble, allow me to learn all over your ass. Scumble is a very potent form of cider that is usually drunk by the thimbleful. It’s strong enough to clean spoons and should not be put in metal containers or be allowed to come into contact with water. The recipe is a secret to most, but a certain sexy Tiefling managed to learn how to brew his own after winning a drinking contest with a witch. That’s a story for another time however, let’s get back to Bel Nye the Science Guy.
I uncorked the scumble bottle, took a giant swig, and splashed a little bit on the ogre’s putrid rotting nutsack. I then uncorked the waterskin and threw some water afterwards, jumping and digging into the ogre’s rotting fat piles with my legs. I didn’t want to be anywhere near that taint.
Goodness gracious, great balls of fire! The explosion knocked the ogre around and managed to dislodge my horns from his ass, getting me more back in the fight in general than just the fight between him and the Indian food I’m pretty sure I saw in there. He needs to chew better, I saw a whole Chieftain’s crown.
More to the point, the ogre was mostly focused on Barkeep, while Demi was off shooting the minions firing javelins at us. I yelled out to Demi to not help Barkeep. “He’s just an NPC and he’s doing a great job of diverting attention from the giant thing that wants to kill us. Go kill the guys firing at you and me.” I don’t remember if she followed through or not. I’ll assume not.
Barkeep ran off like a little bitch after taking a couple clubs to the head, so it was just me and the ogre. And Demi, but the ogre had no way of knowing she was there. Damn pixies, always turning invisible and shit, being useful in battle except for drawing fire.
I managed to dodge a couple swings from Shrek, but he managed to nail me with his giant club. Demi tossed me a potion as I kept showing him my best Archer imitation, but even Unlimited Bel Works wasn’t enough to put him down. Just then, the great being in the sky realized that maybe this encounter was a bit lopsided, so Bender and the rest of the Planet Express crew bothered to show up.
Our master of Weeaboo Fightin’ Magic lit his sword on fire and cut the ogre, causing the sickening smell of cauterized flesh and oil to fill the air. We need to really wash the robot. I fired a last arrow and it felled the beast, then continued in the air. Everyone stood and watched as it flew into one of the barracks. There were multiple crashes and then the arrow flew back out again and hit Masky in the face, knocking her on her Dom butt.
She was nice enough to give me my arrow back. While everyone else listened to the plot getting railroaded, I staggered around town, collecting gold, arrows, and any thing else that looked useful. As we were burning the orc bodies, we heard some screaming coming from the pit. A quick stream of justice silenced that. I also dug around the wreckage of the bar to see if there was any booze left. All I found was 30 gold and a twisted silver wreckage that I gave back to Fuzzy’s character so she’d stop complaining about how she lost everything.
At one point I found myself in the woods, were I found tracks and signs that the orcs had come from the mine. Why they put signs that said that I’ll never know. As I made my way back to fulfill what little ranger duties anyone ever expects of me, I ran into Demi who had found, surprise surprise, a shiny thing. I directed her to the cleric or Blondey.
I let the party know where the orcs came from and then joined them as we located Bender in the general store. I didn’t bother getting anything as there were no side flasks. The half orc in charge had a lady boner larger than Demi for the robot, so I was stuck listening to his instructions to not attempt to intoxicate his orc prisoner. For all of you reading this, I actually bothered using my 14 intelligence here: The goddamn robot wanted to let it go after he gave it better tactics for next time. I may be a drunk, but I’m not a retard.
On our way to Stonebrace’s place, I listened in on a conversation between Masky and Blondy because why the hell not let the comic relief character know the dark secrets behind the town. Once that was over, we arrived to a home which smelled strangely of fried chicken. Note to self, there may be drow in the area.
We were introduced to the barracks. I marked a bed as my quarry, charged it, did a triple salchow into a belly flop onto it, vomited to the side, and passed out.